Where Can I Turn For Peace?
It’s been a week, a month, a year - hasn’t it?! Last week we saw the most changes in a handful of days than I have witnessed in my whole life (temple closures, school closures, church suspension and social distancing)! It doesn’t feel like this is even the beginning and it won’t be the end. But I found solace in the temple. I *may* have gone four times before it closed - a survival tactic.
I so grateful for the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ and how this building (and the other temples I’ve visited) has/have provided me so much comfort, peace, and connection to ancestors who have gone before.
During October General Conference, President Nelson said these words and they struck me to the core: “Most certainly, the adversary does not want you to understand the covenant you made at baptism or the profound endowment of knowledge and power you have received or will receive in the temple—the house of the Lord. And Satan certainly does not want you to understand that every time you worthily serve and worship in the temple, you leave armed with God’s power and with His angels having “charge over” you.” (Spiritual Treasures) Bold added for emphasis.
I’m not sure why it pressed on me so hard. At that moment, I could feel the spirit loving me to spend more time in the temple. I pushed back a little with “But I’m SOOO busy and have a lot on my plate. When would I go more often?” I started to justify that my once a month attendance was fine. Then I could feel the whispers, “That’s all you needed when you had little kids at home.” and perhaps an even more faint, but certainly present, “That’s all you needed last month, but you need that promise that President Nelson gave that I could be armed with God’s power and with His angels having “charge over” you.”
The spirit persisted. So I opened my calendar. I love convenient habit stacking so I started to think about the temple that was the closest to my kid’s school. I could drop them off and go straight there. I chose Monday’s so that I could start my week armed with God’s power and plead for a decrease of the power of Satan in my life.
These last five months have been such a blessing to me. I found great joy in service to my ancestors and to the Lord during this time. I spent a lot of my weeks doing intiatory work and I have a renewed testimony of the covenants and promises that are given through that ordinance. I grew in bonds with friends who went with me and for those I more regularly placed on the prayer roll. Only after a few weeks I craved my time in the temple and I guarded Monday mornings as if they were a full-fee speaking engagement - anyone who asked for that time got a confident, “I’m sorry, I’m not available on Monday morning.”
What I didn’t know then, that I know now, is that January would hit me with one of the hardest personal blows of my life. I told a friend that like Nephi (who we were reading about at the time through Come, Follow Me study) I was in the wilderness of my afflictions and yet could see the hand of the Lord. I cried a lot. I had sadness and heart ache (and COVID-19 was still far overseas). It was, and still is, a huge trial.
And yet, I felt armed with God’s power and I felt angels comforting me and holding me up - and I was SO grateful that the spirit pressed on me in October and helped me see that I would need the protecting power of the temple every single week.
There’s so much more I want to say and so much more I want my kids to know when they see this post decades from now. Some if it is too sacred for the world wide web and some of it may only stay in my heart, but there are a few other things I want to share here:
When March approached and I started to worry that the temples would be closed, I increased my attendance at the temple and in the last week I did all five services (baptism, confirmation, intiatories, endowment and sealings).
On the Friday that they announced that temples would close I did initiatories that morning. There was NO line and I did 9 names in the time I typically do 3. I cried through the whole thing. I saw these beautiful women who were over the age of 60 who had curled their hair and put on makeup, they were there against their own safety and trusted that the Lord would protect them. I was strengthened by their faith and service. One particular woman looked directly into my soul and in her service I felt held in a world of uncertainty.
That afternoon I took my son and his friend do do baptisms for the last time in who knows how long. I don’t think I’ve done baptisms in a decade. Even now I’m touched remembering that experience. It was the first time I got to be a witness. My son and his friend were the witnesses for my baptisms of family names, and more than anything else, my testimony of baptism and coming unto Jesus Christ was confirmed. While Jesus is mentioned in the temple, the reference to him in baptism is uniquely special to me. I will never regret the last minute decision to make that trip a priority.
That same Friday night my friend Ashlee asked me if I would go with her to the temple. Friday was a long day and on top of my temple service some of my challenges had hit road blocks and speed bumps. I was exhausted. On top of all of it, I had stayed up late to watch a movie with my husband and I just don’t do well without a lot of sleep. I wondered if God was saying to me, “You went twice today, it’s okay to get rest.” Or if that sneaky devil was saying, “You went twice today, it’s okay to get some rest.” With all that was going on I felt like if I didn’t sleep I would not be able to function patiently with kids limited by social distancing. When I woke up in the morning I was crushed that I hadn’t gone and I still had an endowment to do.
So I made plans to go later in the day. I looked forward to my time in the temple with anticipation - but also wanted to take my kids to the library and run another errand before things were more limited. Still, the thought of going to the temple made everything easy, and then made everything hard. Sometimes getting to the temple has it’s own road blocks and speed bumps and this was no exception.
Still, I persisted.
When I finally got in my car to go I started to fret about making it to the session on time and then the underlying fret about the temple being closed for who knows how long. I started to wonder if I would spiritually survive the challenges I’m facing (AND A WHOLE SET OF NEW ONES) if I couldn’t find solace there. I told God I needed His temples. The parking lot was packed and I had to park in the next block over. Once my car was parked I RAN. I cried and I ran.
The 6:00 session was a Spanish session that they gratefully let me join with a headset. I had never had that experience before. It was interesting how I could still hear the Spanish but also how it felt like the words being said were being said just to me at the same time. I heard things I feel like I’ve never heard before. I cried some more.
I sat in the celestial room and plead with God to heal my heart and tell me everything would be okay. When it was time to go, I left - still feeling uneasy.
Still, I had faith. I told God that I would do this. I told Him that I would leave this temple and do everything I could to bring peace to my family and others despite the turmoil that is happening in the world and in our hearts. I told Him I’d slow down and wouldn’t stress about all my speaking engagements cancelling and that I would have faith that He would fix it all in the end. I told Him I would do whatever He asked.
Sometimes God waits for me to express faith before I can receive His witness. He’s not tricking me, He’s teaching me.
It wasn’t until I was almost to the dressing room that two important insights came to my mind from Him.
God and Jesus are sad that the temples are closing, too. However, I have the opportunity to turn my home into the temple and God will find me there. He’ll find me through coronavirus worries and isolated kids. He’ll find me in being creative in the kitchen and in doing extra cleaning at home. He’ll find me navigating fights about screen time and helping us all be patient and have peace. I don’t need a temple for Him to find me.
Secondly, The Spirit pressed upon my mind that my kids will remember this time for the rest of their lives. They will remember home church, they will remember limited playdates and being stuck at home, but mostly they will remember me. They’ll remember how I was patient with them, how I brought peace to their hearts, how I helped them feel the spirit in our home and how I helped them grow and develop and become the humans they need to be. Other Sundays may come in a blur, but they’ll remember these Sundays. Other school days will run together, but they’ll remember my help with their school work. If I let it, this time and my home will be sacred. He’ll be here, too.
Life is tricky and awesome at the same time. I’m gonna be fine. How are you? What do you do when you need peace? What survival tactics do you have up your sleeve?
